I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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