i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
