life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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