I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
