We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
