my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
