So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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