please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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