every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You can't just leave with hair like that
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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