i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
