Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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