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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
the raccoons are back...
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