Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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