Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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