did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I need water and some morals
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