Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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