I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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