What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
It's Friday. Sex?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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