so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
