your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
