It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
