I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm passing your future prison.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
