I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
