Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
