I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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