I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
