They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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