in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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