Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
All the doctor said was why
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
