i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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