I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
