i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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