i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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