I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
