So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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