I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
