Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
