Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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