Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
