...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
