Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
