Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She's like a pop up book from hell.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
