I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
