i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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