Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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