Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
did you just send me my own nude
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
