he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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