Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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