Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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