you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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