is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Pants are for mortals
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
