I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
