I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
