She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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